I talk too much

Today at Bible study, I had a whole 15 minutes devoted to me and the disciplining of my child. I don't know what we were talking about but I raised my hand and asked my teacher "What would you say to a parent (me) that is constantly telling their child to not jump on the couch but he does it anyway and you are constantly spanking him?" The background which I went onto to explain in the Bible study is that I have always been a "my way or highway" kind of person and if you don't obey me, if you are defiant, then you get spanked. This led to two problems..I was spanking my child all the time for disobedience which I was extremely uncomfortable with. I don't mind spanking but not all the time. Or I wasn't being consistent because I was uncomfortable with spanking all the time. So I feel lost and decided to solicit the advice of my class and they were very helpful. Almost all of my examples have to do with him putting on his shoes. It's just an example. I am sure you can catch my drift at what I am trying to convey.

I talk too much. That is one of the big things that I got out of it. If you want to spank for disobedience, then don't give your child 5 million ways to disobey and I realized I was doing this. "Go get your shoes". When he said no or didn't do it, he got spanked. Now was it really necessary for me to spank because he didn't get his shoes? Some would say yes. Certainly there is a parenting philosophy that goes along with spanking for every act of disobedience. And for awhile, I thought this is the way that I should go as well but I am beginning to rethink that. Here are their suggestions. Some I will take. Some I will not.

1. Make a list with your husband on what you think should be hard set rules. Andrew will know these rules and if he disobeys them, he will be spanked. So far, I have come up with 1. Do not unbuckle your seat belt. 2. Do not lean on the baby swing. 3. Do not sit on Peter or kick him. I might add do not jump on the bed or couch. I am sure there are other ones that I am missing. I will need to discuss more with Chris. I like this approach because then I am not making up rules all through out the day that he must follow or he will be spanked. Now will he get in trouble when he disobeys me? Yes but in different ways.

2. Talk less. If I boss Andrew around less about little things, he will have less chances to disobey. Now this does not mean that I am going to become his servant and go get his shoes for him but there are certainly different ways to phrase things. "We are not going outside until you put on his shoes." That gives him a choice. And it's a choice I can live with. But what if we really need to leave. "Go put on your shoes. If you don't get your shoes right now, then I will put them on for you." Mister Independent will not be happy about me putting on his shoes. Maybe next time he will get them himself. Maybe not.

3. Let your child be age appropriate. Sometimes I rag too hard on him when he just being a silly 3 year old. I think sometimes I need to be more patient with him. Sometimes I need to laugh with him when he comes back with one spider man shoe and one elmo shoe. Sometimes I need to just let him dump the paper clips all over the floor. I can always make him clean them back up which I actually found out is about as much fun as dumping them out. Also know what is going on with your child - behavior may be changed if he is more tired or hungry than usual and adjust for that.

4. Try to change the negative behavior by positive reinforcement when he is doing the right thing. "Andrew, I am so proud of you. You just played with Peter without sitting on him. Peter really likes it when you play with him and don't hurt him."

5. Rebuke with words sometimes. When I ask him to put on his shoes and he says no, get down on his level and look at him and say "Andrew, we do not say no to our mothers when they ask us to do something. Please tell me that you are sorry." I actually already do this one but I am not convinced of its effectiveness sometimes.

6. Incorporate routine behaviors. A child will respond better if he knows what's coming. Bed time. Bath time. Getting ready time. I know that Andrew already responds well to this sort of thing. Everything is a certain way with him and he likes to follow order. If we were to be all across the board, it would be confusing at times.

So that's what I have. As I talk more about it with Chris and get his opinion, I may blog more later.